What to do when things don’t go as you planned

It’s so annoyed and frustrated when thing don’t go according to plan or when you feel like it’s out of your control.

  • You come home from a work trip and the house is trashed
  • You tell your  manager you need to talk with them and they cancel your 1:1 last minute
  • You get alignment on a project and then leadership contradicts themselves
  • You tell your employee how to do something and they still screw it up
  • You’re expected to do more than is possible in a day

When it seems like things are totally out of your control, it get so frustrated which makes it even worse because now you’re frustrated AND annoyed.

This is why we go out for happy hour and complain over IM with friends at work. We are annoyed and feel justified in it and know how to get backup to support how we are feeling. I love happy hour, but have you ever noticed that you don’t really feel better after complain about it?

So, what should you do when you feel stuck in this virtual cycle of needing to eat donuts all day to feel better?

There is one simple and powerful question that helps you get out of frustration and starts you moving forward. Ask NOW WHAT. Crap happened, now what am I going to do?

The house is a mess, NOW WHAT? You can get mad and passive aggressively clean up the mess (read as throw crap around) or talk with your partner to understand what happened and figure out a plan to get it clean it up.

Your manager canceled my 1:1, NOW WHAT? You can complain to everyone and bad mouth them for always canceling or you can schedule time with your skip level or a different manager to get some help.

Leadership is contradicting themselves, NOW WHAT? You can point it out to them and spend time arguing or you can get scrappy and find more data to help frame the discussion and move forward based on that data.

You get my point. You can spend time continuing to validate your frustration, but there’s not upside to that.

Next time you feel frustrated and annoyed ask yourself NOW WHAT and get moving. Life happens. Now what.

Chat soon,

LB

P.S. Did you know I offer a free online confidence course? Get instant access to it HERE.

Doing this one thing will make you stop questioning your value at work

Do you ever find yourself saying, “I just want to feel valued?” Do you get frustrated that feedback and project discussions focus on what needs to change, what’s missing, or how we can do it better next time?

You are not alone my friend. So many of my clients come to me frustrated because they knew they were the top performer at their previous gig, and now they don’t know where they stand. They’re so stressed and full of anxiety that they are starting to question their skills and abilities. They were top of their class or promoted multiple times and given tons of praise at their previous job. Now they work with all top performers and are suddenly questioning themselves and their value.

The truth is, at work we don’t spend a lot of time praising ourselves and focusing on all our accomplishments. We focus on the customer and how we can continue to make it a better experience for them.

If the only way you know how to feel valued is based on external validation, you’re going to constantly be chasing it. I’m not saying we should not spend time focusing on our wins, but learning how to feel value regardless of what your manager does or does not say is so important to learn. Knowing how to be confident regardless of things outside of your control is the fuel to having an amazing career.

So, how do you feel valued when all we focus on is what’s not working? Start by asking yourself the following questions the next time you are questioning your worth:

  1.     What was the hardest part about this?
  2.     How did I overcome it?
  3.     What results did I deliver?
  4.     What am I most proud of?

Answering these questions for yourself is how you feel valued. When you think about all you’ve accomplished, how much you had to figure out, and what you did, you will be proud of yourself. Even if you manager or coworkers don’t see it, you get to feel valued. Value is a feeling and every feeling you have comes from your thinking. This is the best news ever because you get to choose what to think about regardless of the external validation that is or is not there.

So, the next time you are questioning your value and wondering how to know if you are doing a good job or not, honestly answer the questions above and know feeling valued is entirely up to you. You get to think whatever you want so find a thought you believe that makes you feel valued and practice thinking that every time self-doubt tries to creep in.

If you want help applying this to your specific situation, let’s jump on the phone and figure it out together. Sign up for free coaching HERE.

Thanks,

LB

How to deal with difficult relationships

A relationship are your thoughts about another person. Sometimes similar thoughts are had by the other person, but your relationships with others is entirely yours to own.

For example, Ellen DeGeneres and I are BFF’s. She emails me all the time, I laugh at her jokes and she always makes me feel better when I’m down. Let’s be clear, Ellen had NO idea who am I, but I think we are close. Our relationship is great.

Or my friend from High School that I only talked to once every few years. Whenever we get together, we can always pick up right where we left off. I love our relationship.

So many of us are frustrated with so many of our relationships because we think they have to look a certain way for us to feel good about it. Do any of these sound familiar?

  • A manager should have weekly 1:1’s.
  • A friend should answer you call.
  • A partner should want to spend time together.
  • Your kids should listen.

You can think that in order for you to have a healthy relationship with people, they have to act how you want them to, but how’s that working out?

The reason we struggle with so many relationships is because we have an expectation of how people should act and we having a million thoughts about how others are doing at meeting those expectations. But what if you dropped the expectations and took 100% responsibility for yourself in all of your relationships?

This concept is hard for a lot of my clients and we spend a lot of time talking about this, but really taking 100% responsibility for yourself in a relationship works so much better every time.

Think about a relationship you have with someone that has passed? They are not here actually interacting with you the way you want, but you can still have a relationship with them. It all exists in our mind.  A relationship is a mental construct.

I’m not saying to let yourself be taken advantage of or not have expectations, but when someone acts in a way you don’t like, choose to take responsibility for yourself. This might mean you need to set a boundary or walk away from the relationship, but own it.

For example, if I have plans to meet someone for a date at 7:00 and they are not there by 7:15 I leave. I don’t have to be mad and angry about it. I can respect my time enough to leave and choose to think whatever I want about the date.

Your relationships are the thoughts you have about others. If you don’t like it, clean up your thinking. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

  • He’s a horrible manager.
    • He seems to be under a lot of stress.
  • All they care about is looking good to their manager.
    • I’m, just like them. I want to look good to their manager too.
  • They always take credit for my work.
    • I wonder if they even realize how that makes me feel?
  • She should be willing to help.
    • I don’t want to do it either
  • I hate that they are always late.
    • They are so predictable.
  • He’s such a jerk.
    • He must be really struggling.
  • You never have time to hang out.
    • When we do get together, it’s so fun.

Chat soon,

LB

P.S. Want help applying this to your specific situation? Let’s jump on the phone and figure it out together. Sign up for free coaching HERE.

The secret to finding a WHY that makes you unstoppable

There’s a lot of hype around knowing what your “why” is in everything you do. Why do you want to get promoted? Why do you want to change teams? Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want to breakup? Why do you want to change jobs? The theory is that the more you understand and believe your why, the more action you will take to get what you want.

I don’t disagree, but there’s one secret that the quizzes and books don’t tell you. And this secret is the key to guaranteeing that your why motivates you every time.

The secret to finding a “why” that guarantees to motivate and energize you every time is making it about you and not anyone else. If your why is so someone else can feel a certain way or have a certain experience, it’s a recipe for disaster.

For example, let’s say you don’t like your mom and can’t stand your step-dad, but are planning on taking your family to visit them. If your “why” is so your kids can have a relationship with their grandparents- I promise it’s not going to go well. You can provide opportunities for people to connect, but you can’t make anyone have a relationship.

Or maybe you think you are fat and want to lose weight. If your “why” is so people will want to date you, it’s not going to last long term. At the first rejection after losing the weight chances are you will start gaining it back.

Maybe you want to manage a team. If your “why” is so you can get promoted and be more respected by your peers, you are probably going to hate managing people.  

These “whys” all sound logical and like they would be helpful, but they all depend on things outside of your control. You can’t control how people feel. You can’t control what other people do or say. When you give that up and focus on a why that’s about you, that’s when you become unstoppable.

If we take the examples above and make them about you instead, it might look something like the follow:

      I want to take my kids to visit with my mom and step-dad because I believe family is important and am the type of mom that prioritizes family even when I don’t want to.  

      I want to lose weight because I feel more energized and willing to try new things when I’m not always thinking about my weight.

      I want to manage a team because I want to learn a new skill and help mentor others.

Theses whys are all about you. How YOU want to feel. What YOU want to do. Since you can’t control anyone but yourself, having a why about yourself is the way to be unstoppable at reaching your goals.

If you want help finding your why, let’s jump on the phone and get you some free coaching. So much can change in just 20 minutes. Sign up HERE.

Chat soon,

LB